in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
