Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
