So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
