Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
honey bunches of taint.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
