Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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