there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
