her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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