I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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