She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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