He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
