i just wanna soil my oats bro
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
