so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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