My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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