sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
