Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
