I cannot find my penis.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
porn star boner night. come get it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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