Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
