I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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