this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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