Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
