I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
