I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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