hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
