I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Pants are for mortals
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
