I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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