Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He passed out mid-signature
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
