I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
