chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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