Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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