There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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