i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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