im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
