matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
