I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
