We named our party play list daddy issues
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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