No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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