he wants to bone in the snuggie
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
