He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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