I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
