I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
