the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize