I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
