I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
