I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
