I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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