I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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