I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
