You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
