so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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