forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
be right there i have to get my cape
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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