I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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