Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
