We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
