my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
