You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
