I think I won the penis lottery.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
50% drunk capacity currently
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
