I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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