It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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