i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
