This is not my ceiling
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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