I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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